Regrets
by HB rules
Summary: As Christmas draws closer, Mrs Hughes begins to contemplate her life at Downton Abbey.
1. Chapter 1

**My first Chelsie fic that I have published anyway. Not sure whether to leave it as a one-shot or carry it on; I do have an idea on where it can progress to but we shall see! Let me know what you think.**

**It was a bit of a 2am job so hope it is okay. Reviews much appreciated :)**

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Elsie Hughes smiled as she leaned against the wall, watching Jimmy playing Christmas tunes on the piano as the maids and footmen all sang along and twirled each other around the servant's hall. Even Mrs Patmore had joined them, sitting with her third glass of wine and a ruddy complexion to her cheeks laughing as Thomas dipped Daisy almost to the floor.

It warmed her heart to see them all so happy in spite of everything they had been through in the past few years. She wished that she could join them, dancing and laughing without a care in the world, but she wouldn't. Somehow Mrs Hughes felt removed from it all, half a step behind them and only able to watch from the side lines. Her smile faded. Quietly, she turned away from the warmth of the hall and retreated to her sitting room which despite the crackling fire seemed to harbour a considerable chill.

Retrieving her shawl from the back of her chair she wrapped it around herself, and went over to her desk. She made the same excuse every year that she was too busy to decorate the room for Christmas, but it wasn't the truth. The only sentiment of the season to be found was the little card her sister had sent her bearing a picture of a robin and a message begging her to visit.

Elsie picked it up and read it once more, hearing the words in her sister's distinctive Scottish tone. They both knew that it wasn't that far for her to go, but her work would always keep her in Downton unless there was an emergency and Annie had her own family to think of. Her daughter's husband had died, leaving her to help take care of her grandchildren as her daughter went out to work and she couldn't leave them.

Sitting beside the fire, Mrs Hughes realised that she hadn't seen her sister in over a year and a half; not since the funeral of her niece's husband. Her fingers brushed over the last words of the card.

_I know I shouldn't ask Elsie dear, but I miss you so. I don't know if you had considered retiring from the house, but if you ever did I would love for you to live with us or by us if you would prefer. Clarissa and the little ones would love to see you. Just think about it, for me?_

_Yours, _

_Annie_

It had been playing on her mind for days now. Elsie knew that she had more than enough money saved to be comfortable if she chose to leave, and she could hear the longing in her sister's words. It would be lovely to see her again, and the children who would always run up to her and give her the biggest hugs when they saw her. She could watch them grow up; they were still young, with so much of life ahead of them.

Before now, every time Mrs Hughes had thought about leaving her sense of duty and friendship had pushed it to the back of her mind. She had been happy with the life she had chosen, or at least happy enough. But whether it was the Christmas holiday or just her own feelings, something had changed within her and she questioned what she was staying for.

Tomorrow was Christmas Day, and although everyone would be merry and laughing Elsie knew that she couldn't join them in their joyfulness. The only present she would receive would be that which the family gave her, and although they were always considerate it was their honour which compelled them to do so rather than compassion. She and her sister had agreed many years ago to forgo Christmas gifts in favour of buying the young children nicer presents, though Elsie had never had the chance to see them being opened.

The thought of spending Christmas as a family and not a servant brought a flicker of a smile to the corner of her mouth, and Elsie realised how much she wanted to go. Guilt washed over her as she considered why she hadn't visited her sister more over the years, but she banished those thoughts from her mind. That wasn't her anymore. She had changed, and now was the time to take that step. Nothing was keeping her here. Mrs Hughes had made up her mind; she would write to her sister in the morning.

A soft knock on her door disrupted her thoughts, and it took her a moment to tell the visitor to come in. Of course she knew who it would be, the only other one not at the party.

'Good evening Mrs Hughes,' Carson said brightly, closing the door behind him. He was carrying two glasses of steaming mulled wine, and he handed one to her which she accepted gratefully standing the card on a side table. He sat down next to her, and for a moment they sipped their drinks in silence.

'Didn't fancy the party?'

'No,' Mrs Hughes admitted, 'I didn't really fell in a party mood.'

'Understandable,' he smiled, 'I have never really enjoyed singing and dancing since the old days.'

Elsie tried to smile in return, but couldn't quite manage it. Mr Carson looked at her, noticing how distant she seemed; not her usual self at all.

'Are you alright?' His voice was so sincere, and when she turned to him she could see his expression was one of genuine concern. There was a pause, as they looked at each other and Elsie realised that there were tears in her eyes. She quickly averted her gaze and stared down into her cup.

'Fine,' she lied, hoping he hadn't noticed.

'You don't look fine,' said Carson gently. When she couldn't answer him, he reached out to where her hand was resting on the arm of the chair and covered it with his own.

At first Elsie was surprised by the warmth of his hand on hers, and her first instinct was to pull away, but something stopped her. They had often confided in each other over the years; the butler and the housekeeper had always shared a mutual respect for one another, though somehow this felt different. Had it been anyone else she would have brushed them off, insisting she was perfectly alright and leaving to wallow on her own. But she didn't run away. Instead, she let her façade of strength slip ever so slightly as she allowed him to hold her hand.

'I suppose I get a little melancholy around Christmas,' Elsie admitted, the strict tone she was used to keeping to melting away.

'Why?'

'Do you remember when Joe Burns came to Downton and asked for my hand?' Carson nodded. 'I asked you then whether you wished you had gone a different way, and told you that I sometimes thought about it. Well I do think about it, all of the time. There are so many things I never did and will never get to do…so many things I didn't know I wanted until I couldn't have them.'

'I know what you mean,' sighed Carson.

Elsie's brow furrowed as she looked at him. 'Really?'

'I loved Alice dearly, and once she was taken from me I decided not to pursue anyone else. I thought she was the only one I could ever love, and I threw myself into the job. It's almost funny how one day you wake up and realise what you have missed out on.'

'I never knew you felt that way,' said Elsie, surprised to hear him speaking so openly.

'I didn't allow myself to ever feel the same way about anyone else, thinking I would only get my heart broken again. Silly old fool.'

'I suppose I didn't realise how much I would miss having a family,' she admitted sadly, looking away.

'What brought this on, anyway?'

'The card my sister sent me,' Elsie told him. 'I haven't seen her in almost eighteen months now, and she…she wants me to retire and come and live with her in Lancashire.'

Carson's eyes widened in shock, and he instinctively moved his hand away from hers.

'You…you're not…You're not thinking of leaving, Mrs Hughes?' he spluttered.

'Before you came I made up my mind, and I am going to leave.'

For a moment he was lost for words, thoughts not forming properly in his head.

'When?' was all he could muster.

'I will speak to Lord Grantham after Christmas, before the New Year, and stay only until he has found my replacement.' Somehow saying it aloud made it more real, and Elsie began to realise the gravity of her words. She was leaving Downton Abbey.

'You…you can't…you're needed here, Mrs Hughes.'

'I'm not needed, not really. The world will still keep turning if I retire, Mr Carson. There isn't enough to keep me here when my sister needs me.'

'Mrs Patmore, she's your friend, and Anna…Anna is like a daughter to you.'

'But she isn't my daughter is she?' There were tears in her eyes.

'And I-'

Carson stopped himself, leaving the sentence hanging in the air.

'You…what?'

She waited, her heart thumping with anticipation.

'We would all miss you, very much,' he finished. Elsie felt her heart sink a little.

'And I will miss you, but I think that it might be best if I go,' she said resignedly.

'Wait there a moment,' Carson muttered, rising from his seat and leaving the room. Elsie stood, but before she could stop him he had gone and the room felt a little colder. He had only helped to make up her mind, though having told her of his own regrets she was surprised that he would try and stop her finding some sort of family of her own. Perhaps it was just the shock of her revelation.

Before she could wonder any further, he returned and closed the door behind them. He didn't say a word, but handed her a small parcel wrapped in red paper and tied with a bow. Elsie took it, not quite sure how to react, and with a nod from him began to carefully unwrap it. Beneath the paper was a box of blue velvet, and when she opened it she couldn't suppress a gasp.

It was the most stunning thing she had ever seen. Within the box was a necklace, a small silver heart on a delicate chain. Tears stung her eyes as she looked up at Carson, speechless.

'Shall I put it on?'

Unable to say a word she nodded and he took the necklace from her, draping it across her neck and fastening it with an expert hand.

'There,' he said with a smile, 'you look…beautiful.'

He put one hand on her shoulder and cupped her cheek with the other, wiping away a tear with his thumb as it fell.

'Stay,' he whispered. '_I_ need you.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much everyone for your lovely reviews. I have finished half of my exams so thought I would add another chapter, though the next could be a few days to a week in the making due to the other half and trying to get home.**

**Anyway I have decided to continue, having formed a rough basis for the main idea of the story in my head so hopefully it will go smoothly.**

**This chapter is a lot about Elsie's feelings and thoughts, and we will get to Christmas Day in the next chapter. Thanks for your support and reviews and opinions always welcome :)**

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'Stay,' he whispered. '_I_ need you.'

'Charles I…I c-can't I…' Elsie stumbled over her words, lost in his deep brown eyes. She realised they were close, closer than they had ever been and their faces were mere inches apart. His breath was warm against her skin, and her heart fluttered in her chest as they both started to move closer.

'Mrs Hughes?' called Mrs Patmore as she barged into the room, not caring to knock. Elsie pulled away from Carson just in time, so as Beryl looked up at them she had no idea of what had just occurred – or almost occurred.

'Y-yes, Mrs Patmore?'

'Oh…sorry, I didn't realise you were in here Mr Carson,' the cook apologised.

'It's no bother, we were just talking.'

Elsie's heart deflated somewhat at hearing their conversation reduced to 'just talking', but she knew there was little else he could say in Mrs Patmore's presence.

'What was it you wanted?' she asked.

'Well I'm having a bit of a job with the family's turkey, and I wondered if you could help me? Only I didn't want to drag Daisy and Ivy away from the party.'

'Yes, yes of course, I'll be there in a minute,' Elsie smiled, fleetingly.

Mrs Patmore left and Elsie made to follow her, though Carson caught her wrist gently. She turned back to him.

'I have to go,' she told him simply.

'I know,' he whispered, 'but promise me…promise me you won't do anything, at least until tomorrow?'

Elsie swallowed, but nodded slowly. 'I promise,' she breathed.

Carson bent down and kissed her hand ever so lightly before letting go of her, watching her leave him with an ache in his heart.

Before Elsie made her way towards the kitchen she stopped in the hall and leaned back, bracing herself against the wall to catch her breath. Her head was a fog of confusion, so much so it almost made her dizzy. She couldn't quite put what had happened into words, but she found herself gently stroking the spot where he had kissed her hand with her thumb. Elsie had felt a shiver run down her spine as his lips had touched her; it was like nothing she had ever felt. It was indescribable, like fear and excitement and happiness all jumbled together, and in all honesty it terrified her.

Before she had talked to Mr Carson she had made up her mind. She was going to do the right thing and put her past behind her, for the sake of the sister she missed so dearly. And then he had gone and said those…those words. What did he mean? They had worked together for more than twenty years and they were close friends; it was reasonable that he wouldn't want her to leave. But it had felt like more than just an expression of friendship.

There was something, even just in the way he had looked at her, which seemed different. Over the years they had grown close, protective of each other especially after her cancer scare, but never until that moment had Elsie felt anything like this. It was as if a spark had lit inside of her, in a dark and lonely place which she had locked away many years ago. The warmth of his hand on her cheek, the sound of his deep voice whispering _I need you…_

Elsie felt tears running silently down her cheeks as she shook her head slowly. He was a friend, nothing more, and she was getting carried away with herself presuming such things. She was projecting her own loneliness into his words, reaching out and seeing things that weren't there just because she wanted to. He didn't love her, no. He couldn't love her. Who would ever look at her twice?

Mrs Patmore poked her head out of the kitchen.

'Are you coming?'

'Yes,' Elsie called back, trying to hide the waver in her tone, 'I am.'

She wiped her eyes as she walked down the corridor, her feelings starting to turn into anger. Why couldn't he just have said that he was happy for her, offered to keep in touch and wished her well? Yes of course it was nice to be missed, but he had presumed that he could change her mind with only a few sparse, confusing words. Well he wouldn't. Elsie would keep her promise, but nothing more; she didn't owe him anything. He was just a friend; a dear friend, yes, but a friend nonetheless and she would not stay just for him. Yet that moment just before Beryl had interrupted them…

'You alright Mrs Hughes?' Beryl asked, bringing her back to reality.

'Yes, yes, fine,' she muttered.

'You've been crying,' the cook noticed, her tone softening.

'It's nothing, really,' Elsie dismissed, dabbing the last of the moisture from her eyes. 'See? I'm perfectly alright. Now what is wrong with this turkey?'

The poor bird looked quite unsightly. Although it was large and perfectly plump, it needed a little fine tuning before it could be presented at his Lordships' table on Christmas day. So Beryl and Elsie each took a knife to it and began to gently remodel the unusual bird, though the task was not made any easier by the fact that it was still slightly frozen from the ice box.

'Have you fallen out with Mr Carson again?' Mrs Patmore pried gently, after a few minutes of silence had passed.

'No,' scoffed Elsie, 'we're fine. I am fine. It's just…I don't know this time of year, it gets to me sometimes.'

'Why? It's all songs and presents and wine and food, a distraction from real life for a day.'

'There are some problems nothing can distract you from,' Elsie said, more to herself than Beryl. She started chopping some herbs for the stuffing, trying to vent some of her frustration.

'There are things that cannot be solved with a mince pie and a glass of sherry.'

She gasped as the knife caught her finger, breaking the skin and spilling blood across the chopped parsley.

'Oh Mrs Hughes what have you done,' Beryl tutted, coming to her friend's side.

'It's only a scratch,' mumbled Elsie, going over to the sink and running her hand under the tap. The cut had been quite deep, but she was too numb to take note of any pain.

Mrs Patmore handed her a towel to dry her hand, looking at her sadly.

'You're upset,' she said quietly.

'I'm tired, nothing more,' insisted Elsie, though she couldn't look her friend in the eye.

'What's wrong? You can tell me, I won't say a word.'

Elsie put her hand on Beryl's arm and sighed heavily.

'I know you won't, but it's nothing for you to be worrying about. I'm just being silly.'

Beryl was about to argue with her when she caught sight of the chain around Elsie's neck.

'My goodness, where did you get that?'

The housekeeper looked down, having forgotten for a moment what she was wearing. Beryl took the tiny heart into her hand and admired it.

'It was a gift,' whispered Elsie.

'Mr Carson?'

She nodded.

'It's exquisite,' Mrs Patmore, 'and it probably cost a fair bit too.'

'I don't know why he would bother. We've never really done presents before.'

'Don't you?'

'What do you mean?' asked the housekeeper, finally meeting Beryl's eye.

'Oh Elsie,' sighed Beryl, 'surely you can see it?'

'I…I don't know what you're talking about,' Elsie stumbled, although she could see exactly what she was implying.

'It's always been you. He-'

'No, he doesn't,' Elsie insisted, feeling tears sting her eyes and cursing herself for showing her weakness. 'Really, Beryl, he doesn't I…I know he doesn't. So I'd be grateful if y-you left that particular s-subject.' Her voice had begun to break, and she knew that she had to leave before she let everything go.

'I'm sorry, Mrs Patmore, but I think that I must go to bed. I find myself quite exhausted.'

Without waiting for the cook to respond, she turned and walked away straight up the many flights of stairs to the women's corridor. By the time she had closed the door to her room behind her she was already in tears. She allowed herself to slowly slide to the floor, her hand wrapped around the heart hanging down beside her own.

Elsie lay slumped there, her thoughts and memories tormenting her in the darkness. Perhaps she had always wondered, in those moments when they were alone and shared their most intimate secrets; wondered if there was ever something more between them. But not until now had she ever given it more than a second's thought.

Whether it was because of her leaving, or her sister or the demons of her past playing on her mind, suddenly Elsie found herself feeling things she didn't understand; and it was killing her. It had never bothered her that Charles had not thought of her as more than a friend, never even crossed her mind.

Not until that moment, with his hand against her cheek, when she realised how much she wanted more.

Xxx


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this update has taken so long, I have been trying to get home for Christmas and finishing exams. Plus this chapter proved a bitch to write so I'm not as pleased as I could be. Have the next chapter mapped out so shouldn't be too long but I won't make promises I cannot keep.**

**Thank you so much to reviewers, you keep me writing and help the old thought process keep going and without you I wouldn't have the energy to update at all so thank you.**

**Merry Christmas and I will try to get an update in as soon as :)**

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Although she was exhausted, Elsie knew that she would get little sleep that night. Her mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour, contradicting itself at every turn. As soon as she had decided what she was going to do she began to question it, and by the time the clock struck three she was no closer to an answer.

Elsie wondered where the time had gone. She had missed the chime announcing Christmas Day through her worrying, and although most of the staff were looking forward to this year's festivities she was dreading the coming day. Just the thought of coming face to face with him made her throat constrict and her heart flutter nervously in her chest.

Somehow, in the space of a single day, everything had changed. Those evenings spent alone with a glass of sherry talking openly seemed so far away now, a fond memory of times gone by. For so long she had denied that she could feel anything deeper and more real than just friendship after what had happened to her. They were the butler and the housekeeper, Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes, nothing more and that was all they ever would be.

But now there was no denying it. He had overstepped the mark by breaking their comfortable equilibrium, stepping away from the relationship she had treasured but never thought of as more than amiable, and she didn't know what it meant. Elsie had sensed the shift between them as he draped the silver chain around her neck, his fingers lightly brushing the back of her neck, but Carson…Charles…had never done anything like that before. Why now, after twenty years, would he do something so out of character?

He had no idea of what he had done to her with his gesture, and she supposed that he didn't even realise how out of place his actions were at the time. He probably thought he was being nice, not wanting her to leave Downton and acting irrationally. In the morning he would be the same man, the stoic butler with the rumbling voice; but Elsie had changed. There was something different within her now. She felt it in her heart, like a balloon swelling and filling her chest with this indescribable emotion. Things could never be the same again.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Elsie knew that the only thing to do was to wait until they were alone and ask him, out right, what he meant by what he had said and done the previous evening. In all likeliness he would just say that he was shocked by her thoughts of leaving and wanted to try and persuade her to stay. That…or he would take her in his arms, brush the hair from her eyes and ever so gently stroke her cheek as smiled and told her that he-

No, Elsie scolded herself. It was ridiculous, a silly dream and nothing more. It wasn't him, and it certainly wasn't her. She wasn't going to admit it, not even to herself, for that would be accepting it was true. She had managed without a man for twenty years since she had dismissed Joe's proposal, she didn't need to be worrying about one now.

Collapsing heavily into an armchair, she picked up a book from her table and tried to distract herself by reading but her mind couldn't take in the words. The clock struck four and Elsie realised that her eyelids were trying to close as pure exhaustion took hold. She fought to stay awake, but eventually she had no choice but to succumb to the darkness.

_Everything was black. She heard a scream, high pitched and so filled with terror that it made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end. Her heart stopped in her chest when she realised that the scream was coming from a child. The darkness began to soften and she saw a small figure in the distance, a little girl curled up in a ball, and a larger figure standing over her. Elsie tried to run, but something pulled her back by her wrist. A hand._

_The screaming grew louder._

_'No, no please…please don't' the little girl sobbed._

_Elsie fought against whoever was restraining her, but their fingers only gripped her tighter causing pain to shoot up her arm. _

_'I have to help her,' she pleaded, 'let me go! Let me go she needs me!'_

Elsie woke with a jolt, her forehead slick with sweat and her breathing shallow. Her book had fallen to the floor, and she wondered if that was what had woken her but she was thankful it had as she saw the clock read half past six.

She had slept in her full evening wear, so now her body was aching and as she changed she removed her corset for some relief. The essence of the dream was slipping away from her, like the tendrils of smoke from a dying fire dissolving into the air unable to be caught. All she could remember was the fear that had gripped her so tightly she could feel it even now, a lump caught in her throat.

Choosing a newer outfit she had been saving for Christmas and dressing quickly, Elsie brushed and styled her hair into a neat collection of curls and added a small cutting of holly to her collar. The dress almost brushed the floor and was, as always, black but it had some lace embellishment and beads across her waist that added a little something extra. She looked the part, if nothing else, as she went downstairs for breakfast.

On the way to the servant's hall she met Anna and Bates, who had just come in from their cottage. They were covered in snow, and Elsie thought they must be freezing but they were positively beaming at each other, with such love in their eyes you could almost feel it radiating from them.

'Morning you two, and Merry Christmas.'

'Merry Christmas Mrs Hughes,' Anna smiled.

'Well I'm glad to see you both looking so well,' Elsie said, thinking how much they deserved a good Christmas after the year they had endured.

Anna looked up at her husband, a silent moment passing between them. Bates gave a small nod of his head in reply to a question never asked, leaving Mrs Hughes very confused.

'We aren't telling people yet, it's only early days…' Anna whispered, her eyes shining. 'But… I'm pregnant.'

'Oh Anna!' Elsie hugged her, tears of happiness welling in both of their eyes. When they parted, she took the younger woman's hand in her own and squeezed it gently.

'You are going to make the most wonderful parents. And I won't tell a soul.'

'Thank you, Mrs Hughes, for everything. I don't know how I'd have come through everything without you. And as a small thanks, we-'

'I am really sorry to interrupt,' Baxter said quietly, coming out of the servant's hall, 'but Lady Mary has been ringing for you Anna.'

'Thank you for telling me,' Anna sighed, hanging up her hat and coat.

'You two sit down and have breakfast, I'll see to Lady Mary,' offered Elsie.

'Oh Mrs Hughes, I can't let you do that! You have your own work to do, I'm perfectly capable-'

'I know you are, but you've just come in from the cold. Sit down, have a rest and some food and don't argue! I don't do this sort of thing all year round you know.'

Anna smiled and put a hand on Mrs Hughes' arm.

'You really are the kindest woman I know,' she whispered.

'Don't be silly.'

As Elsie turned and headed upstairs, she smiled to herself. A baby. What wonderful news, and to two people who deserved it more than anyone else. Perhaps this Christmas wasn't going to be as terrible as she had first thought. Sometimes, though Elsie, it was best to dwell only on the happy things life and so she tried to push everything else to the back of her mind.

Xxx

For the rest of the morning, Elsie managed to avoid any contact at all with Mr Carson. She dressed Lady Mary, and helped the maids with their duties before the presents were given to the staff and then helped Mrs Patmore in the kitchen. But as they all gathered for Christmas dinner, there were no more excuses to keep them apart.

'I was starting to think you were avoiding me,' Carson muttered below his breath, so only she could hear, as he sat beside her at the head of the table.

'No, not at all,' Elsie dismissed at once, trying to stop her voice from wavering, 'I've just been busy.'

'Doing the maids duties upstairs? That's not your job.'

'Well I thought it might be nice to lighten their load; it is supposed to be Christmas after all.'

'You look tired, maybe they should be offering to lighten your load once in a while.'

'It's my job to look after them, not the other way around. I'm not an invalid.'

'I…I didn't mean…I'm sorry,' he stuttered, backing off.

She could hardly look at him. Elsie knew that she was being unduly short. He had done nothing wrong, and yet she snapped at his every comment and she could tell he was confused by her reactions. They ate in near silence, and despite having kept it together all morning Elsie could feel tears stinging her eyes and threatening to fall.

As the plates were cleared before pudding, Elsie mumbled an 'excuse me' and left the table, not waiting to see if anyone responded. She walked straight out of the back door, only to be greeted by a soft white blanket of snow covering everything the eye could see. There were only a few small flakes still falling, but as she walked away from the house she realised what had already settled deep enough to cover her ankles.

Elsie shivered against the bracing cold, wishing she had brought her shawl. How did he have such an effect on her? She had been fine all morning thinking about Anna and her impending arrival, wondering if it would be a boy or a girl and if Anna would let her babysit when she and John wanted to go out. But as soon as she had sat beside him none of that had mattered anymore, and she was left with the crushing feeling in her chest that was so strong it seemed to suffocate her.

'Are you alright?'

Elsie closed her eyes and sighed heavily. Of course he had come to check on her. He was a kind and caring man, far too kind for someone selfish like her, she thought bitterly. She didn't answer him, as she couldn't quite find the words, but she did turn to look at him as he walked towards her.

'You'll catch your death out here,' he warned, 'it's freezing.'

'Yes, it is rather,' she managed to say. 'I just needed some air.'

There was a pregnant pause before he spoke again.

'What is it that's bothering you? And don't say it's nothing, because I can see that's not true at all.'

Elsie smiled weakly, looking at the genuine concern in his expression and finding her heart melting despite the harsh weather.

'Is it something to do with you leaving?' asked Carson.

It had to be now. They were finally alone and it needed to be said, so she took a deep breath and went for it.

'What did you mean, the other night, when you said…that you needed me?'

Carson swallowed, feeling heat rising in his cheeks.

'I…I meant that you mean such a lot to me, and if you were to leave then I don't know what I would do. I can't imagine myself at Downton without you as housekeeper it seems…wrong.'

'And the necklace? We never buy each other gifts, not really; so why now?'

'You bought me that picture frame not long ago, and I wanted to return the favour.'

Elsie felt her heart deflate in her chest. She lowered her head and nodded, trying to hide her upset. She had known that she was foolish, but it still hurt to be proved right. But then in the space of a moment it all changed. Carson lifted her chin with his hand so she was looking at him, his deep brown eyes drawing her in.

'I'm not putting this very well, am I?' he said softly.

Elsie shook her head.

'Ever since I started talking about Alice, about my past, I've felt…different somehow. I have finally been able to let go of that part of my life and start to think about moving on.'

'Oh,' was all Elsie could say as she felt her throat tighten. It wasn't possible, was it? He wasn't saying what she thought he was, he couldn't be.

'I never thought…I always assumed I would just trundle on as a butler here until I retired, and even then I would never go far. But the thought of that now seems sad…lonely. I said that I need you because I do, I need you close otherwise what do I have really?'

'I wanted a different life,' Elsie admitted with tears in her eyes. 'I never planned on this, on being alone at my age; it wasn't how it was supposed to be. B-but after… after what…I'm sorry.'

She wiped away her tears, shaking her head. He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she felt his warmth even through the material of her dress soothing her cold skin.

'When my sister asked me to go with her, I thought I had nothing to keep me here. She has a family, and I would be needed and appreciated and…and loved.' That last word caused her to gulp, and Elsie hesitated to pause for breath.

'If you give me an excuse to, then I will gladly stay.'

'I bought that necklace for the same reason that I don't want you to go,' Charles started, his heart thumping in his chest.

'Then say it,' Elsie whispered, placing a hand lightly on his chest. 'Say it and I'll stay.' She hardly dared to believe that her dreams could finally be coming true.

'I don't want you to go because I…'

'I care about you, Elsie.'

Her world shattered. Her face fell, and her heart felt as if it had stopped bothering to beat at all. She had given him the chance, the one golden opportunity, and he had let it pass by. So he didn't, and that was that. That was the answer she had both dreaded and craved. Removing her hand from his body, she pulled away from his touch and shook her head.

'Thank you, for telling me that Mr Carson,' she breathed, her voice hardly a whisper. 'I better be getting back inside. I need to speak to his Lordship later, and until then I would appreciate it if you kept this between us.'

Not giving him time to reply, Elsie started walking back towards the house and her walk turned into a run as tears streamed down her face and started to sob. She had never known that there was such pain as this without injury. Her heart was breaking.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry that this chapter took so long, but Christmas and illness managed to get in the way. I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and LOVED the last 5 minutes of the Christmas special.**

**I want to try and make updates a little more regular but I will see how long the next chapter takes. Many thanks for your reviews, they are so kind and without them I would struggle to write at all. **

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Coming in from the cold, Mrs Hughes couldn't stop the tears from streaming down her face. Her entire body was trembling, her sobs so powerful she struggled to catch her breath. She braced herself for a moment against the wall, trying and failing to bring herself together. Everything just seemed so dark, so hopeless, and those four words echoed in her head like a bell chiming to announce a passing.

_I care about you_

Her chest constricted, making it even harder to breathe, but no matter how hard she fought she only seemed to cry harder. All of her barriers fell, all of those things which kept her emotions confined to that special place in her heart she pushed deep down.

Xxx

Mrs Patmore had sent Daisy to collect the last of the plates and was off to eat her own pudding in the kitchen when she saw Elsie standing in the hallway.

'Mrs Hughes, I wondered where you had got to. I saved you some…'

Her words trailed off as she saw how distraught her friend was, her eyes glistening with an unspoken sadness.

'Elsie?' she tried, but Mrs Hughes didn't even look at her. She walked swiftly, almost running, past her and up the stairs, out of sight, unable to suppress a sob as her breath caught in her throat.

Watching her go, Beryl wondered what on Earth could have caused her such distress. She was debating whether or not to go after her when Carson came in, shaking the snow from his jacket, and the cook started putting the pieces together. He looked melancholy, eyes like a dejected puppy and shoulders slumped. Although he tried to smile as Beryl came up to him, he couldn't quite manage it.

'What in heaven's name have you done?' Beryl hissed, hoping not to attract attention from the party in the hall.

'I…I don't know what you mean,' he answered, confused.

'Mrs Hughes practically ran past me up those stairs; I've never seen her so upset.'

'She was upset? What did she say?'

'She didn't say a word; like I said, she went straight past me. But she was crying, absolutely beside herself by the look of her. I have never seen anything shake her like that before, but she couldn't even attempt to hide it, she was... You must have done something.'

Charles didn't know what to think. The thought of Mrs Hughes crying brought a lump to his throat, and if he had caused it he wasn't sure if he could live with himself.

'I…we were just talking. She's been thinking about leaving,' he started.

'What?' Mrs Patmore exclaimed, trying to restrain herself from shouting. She looked around, and seeing that the coast was clear she gestured for Carson to follow her into his pantry. Once the door was closed and she could be sure they had some privacy she finally spoke her mind.

'Why ever would Mrs Hughes want to leave?' asked Beryl, stunned. 'She's been here for what, more than twenty years? Why now?'

'I don't know,' Carson mumbled, 'she said something about her sister. She was talking a lot about family, and what you miss out on being in this sort of work.'

'You can't blame a woman for feeling lonely, Mr Carson,' Beryl said more softly. 'This place is her life in a way, and when you look back and wonder what might have been there are always regrets. If Mrs Hughes feels she missed out, maybe spending some time with her sister and her family is a way of making up for some of that.'

'Yes…Yes I suppose so,' he sighed, reluctantly agreeing. 'But she shouldn't feel lonely, not here. The maids love her, and she has you and Anna and…' He stopped himself, looking down at the ground and beginning to pace.

'She does,' Beryl admitted, 'but it isn't the same, is it? Not as your own flesh and blood.'

'I asked her to stay,' said Carson, after a long pause had lingered between them.

'Really?' The cook smiled, noting how he couldn't quite meet her eyes. 'Why would you do that, if you can see it's what she wants?'

'B-Because…' he stuttered, frustrated at her question but more-so his inability to find a reply. 'Because she's needed here, because I think she's acting irrationally because…because I…I don't want her to go.'

Mrs Patmore, for a moment, was taken aback that someone so stoic as Mr Carson would say anything so personal. But his entire demeanour had changed when talking about the housekeeper. He was worried, and had been from the moment Beryl had mentioned Elsie was upset. There were things he wasn't saying, and she needed to coax them from him without scaring him away otherwise he was going to miss his chance and Elsie would be gone for good.

'Did you tell her about this?'

'I…sort of…I told her that I didn't want her to go and that she would be missed, as she will…very much…'

'But what did you say about why _you _didn't want her to go; did you give her a reason?' Beryl pushed, already knowing what the true answer would be.

'I…I told her that I cared about her.'

'Oh,' Beryl sighed at once, her heart sinking as she started to realise why Mrs Hughes had been so upset, 'oh Mr Carson tell me you didn't say that.'

'What?'

'Can't you see it? She was lonely; she wanted you to ask her to stay here.'

'Yes, I know, but what's wrong with wanting her to know that I care for her? I do care, very much.'

'Is that what you really wanted to say?'

Carson looked at her, and his eyes betrayed him at once. He was too damn proud, thought Mrs Patmore, and his pride would be his downfall.

'Of course, what do you mean?' he mumbled in reply.

'You know exactly what I mean,' Beryl scolded him. 'Loyalty to friends, no matter how good they are, is never going to win over the love of a family. She wanted you to ask her to stay for something more than friendship…for you.'

'Don't be preposterous,' Carson mumbled, turning away from the cook. 'Mrs Hughes and I are old friends, nothing more.'

'Then why is she upstairs crying her eyes out?'

Mrs Patmore moved in front of Charles and put a hand on his arm.

'I've known Elsie for a very long time, and I'd hazard a guess that I know her better than anyone else. She won't say it because she's scared, and because she doesn't want to lose what she already has but she…she _does_, Mr Carson. She truly does. Do you…?'

After a pause, Carson sighed and nodded. 'I…I do, Mrs Patmore. But how do you know-'

'Even women as strong as Mrs Hughes often wear their hearts on their sleeves,' Beryl cut him off, smiling sadly.

'I've ruined everything, haven't I?'

'Not yet,' she assured him, 'though you haven't done yourself any favours so far.'

'Should I go up to her?'

Beryl thought for a moment, before shaking her head.

'Give her time to cool off, and speak to her when she comes down. Right now I suppose you are the last person she wants to see.'

Nodding, Carson muttered a thank you to the cook and left his pantry, returning to the dinner table as he was expected to. But his mind was racing. He couldn't eat his Christmas pudding, knowing that a few floors up the woman he cared for more than anything else in the world was crying because of him.

Xxx

The hours and minutes slowly slipped away, and before too long it was time for the dinner service. As he watched the clock turn, Carson grew steadily more concerned as Mrs Hughes did not reappear. Her absence had been noted by the staff, if only in mutters and looks, and he was reluctant to go upstairs as the footmen started collecting the first course.

He went into the kitchen and looked to Mrs Patmore, who gave a little shake of her head. She was almost as worried as he was, and though she wouldn't admit it she had gone up to Mrs Hughes' room an hour previously to see if she needed anything. Her knocks had gone unanswered, and the door had been locked so she was forced to give in and retreat. Eventually, the butler had no choice but to go up to serve the Christmas dinner to the family and Mrs Patmore was left in the kitchen to prepare the servants' meal.

It was late, after midnight, and most of the servants had retired to bed. Carson had gone upstairs to lock up the house, and Mrs Patmore was just about to turn in herself when she heard footsteps on the stairs. She knew at once whose they were.

Xxx

Elsie took a deep breath and descended the last flight of stairs, by-passing the servant's hall and heading straight for her sitting room. It was all quiet, and for a moment she dared to hope that she might be left alone. Walking over to her desk, she opened the box given to her by Lady Grantham that morning and took out the bottle of whisky the family had gifted to her. Pouring a glass, Elsie drank it in one and felt the wonderful burning sensation begin to numb her pain.

'I left you a bit of turkey and some bread.'

Elsie felt the ghost of a smile pass across her face, but couldn't quite bring her lips to pull it into reality.

'Thank you, but I am not hungry,' she half whispered, pouring another glass and taking a deep gulp.

'I spoke to Mr Carson,' Beryl started gently, moving a step further into the room, 'he said-'

'I don't care what he said,' Elsie cut her off frankly, turning to face her friend and revealing the redness of her eyes she hadn't quite managed to hide.

Beryl felt her heart breaking as she saw what that stupid man had done to her friend. She was pale, and looked as if she were about to crumble at any minute. Her hands were trembling slightly, made apparent by the oscillation of the rich orange liquid in the glass.

'I know what he said to you, and if you'll let him explain,' she tried.

'No,' Elsie shook her head, 'no more. I have had enough of wasting my time on other people. I am going to do something for me for a change, and I don't care how selfish it sounds.'

'It isn't selfish; you are the most selfless person I know. And I understand how you feel.'

Elsie gave a short, bitter laugh and finished her glass.

'No, you really don't.'

'Talk to him,' Beryl urged, 'and you might find yourself rethinking your plans.'

'I'm leaving, Beryl, it is done and decided. I want nothing more to be said about Mr Carson.'

'But-'

'No, I mean it. I don't want anything more to do with him and that is final. We must work together, of course, but other than that we needn't speak.' Her serious expression softened slightly, as she refilled her glass a third time.

'I…can't do it anymore. I don't think my heart can take it.'

Feeling tears sting her eyes, Elsie willed them not to fall. She had told herself that she would not cry; she had shed enough tears for that man today and she would honour his words with them no more. She was tired of feeling so lost and so hurt all of the time. It was time to make a stand.

Before Mrs Patmore could attempt once more to explain, Mr Carson appeared in the doorway, looking almost sheepish.

'Good evening, Mrs Hughes,' he said, his voice rumbling.

'Mr Carson,' the housekeeper answered quietly, averting her gaze.

Her heart was thumping in her chest, so hard she could hear every beat louder than the words being spoken to her. Suddenly she found her head feeling heavy, and dizziness took hold of her. Swaying slightly she dropped her drink and stumbled, catching herself on her desk chair to stop herself from falling.

At once, Carson was by her side. He could smell the hint of alcohol on her breath and a lump rose in his throat as he realised how drawn she appeared; all because of him. He took her arm at the elbow and put his other hand around her waist to steady her.

'Are you alright, Mrs Hughes?' asked Carson, trying to keep the fear from his tone.

As soon as the world stopped spinning, Elsie took charge. When she felt where his hands were, she brushed him off immediately walking away from him and leaving him feeling empty without her in his arms.

'Perfectly fine, thank you,' she said coldly, 'that whisky must be strong stuff; I can usually handle it perfectly well.'

She turned to look at him, her face hard and expressionless but her eyes crying out to him with words he would never hear.

'Goodnight, Mr Carson.'

Carson was left, staring after her, with a hole in his heart knowing that he had just lost the woman he loved.


	5. Chapter 5

**First of all, I am so sorry for how long this update has taken. I had not planned to go quite so long between chapters, but Christmas, New Year and then illness got in the way so I apologise.**

**I thought I would upload what I have as soon as possible to thank you for waiting, and as this was half of the idea I had for the next chapter I will start work on it straight away as I have it mapped out. Hopefully I am working towards much more regular updates but thank you so much for bearing with me and all of your wonderful reviews. They are the reason I keep going as I always say so thanks.**

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_As they walked through the park, it was almost impossible to tell that they were courting lovebirds. They didn't even look at each other, and maintained a consistent gap between them as they wandered through the greenery as if a barrier were keeping them apart._

_The sun hid behind a cloud, and for a moment the world seemed so grey and lifeless. They sat on a bench in the rose garden, with of course a sufficient distance between them, but spoke not a word for several minutes._

_'I wish you didn't have to go,' he said quietly._

_'I know,' she sighed, 'but you know why I do. I need the money.'_

_'But why does it have to be so far away? Surely there are other positions closer-'_

_'Do we have to go over this again?' she hissed, trying not to raise her voice. Taking a deep breath, she calmed her tone. 'I'm sorry, Joe, I know this is difficult for you; it is for me too. But you have to believe me when I say this is the only option. It's a bigger house, a better wage and the job is not just as head housemaid. They want to train someone up for housekeeper, and I can't let that opportunity go.'_

_'Is…is it because of me?' Joe asked quietly, his gaze turning to his lap. 'I know I can't offer you everything, Elsie, but I can give you a comfortable life.'_

_'And I wish I could accept it,' she assured him, 'but as it stands I need the money.'_

_'Your sister is being courted, near to marriage, and your father is free to work. Why is it your responsibility to provide for them? You send them everything you have.'_

_'I know,' she sighed, 'but until Annie is married I have to. They would have nothing otherwise, and the day my father gets a job will be the day the sky turns pink.' _

_She smiled, but it was hollow; there was no happiness held within it._

_Joe cleared his throat._

_'I know there's something you're not telling me,' he plucked up the courage to say. The alteration to Elsie's expression told him at once that his suspicions were correct._

_'I…I don't know what you mean.'_

_'I've known you for years, Elsie Hughes, and everyone knows we have been walking out for over a year now. Yet you won't even let me hold your hand. It's not even unheard of, when a couple are alone, to steal a kiss on the cheek; but with you…you might as well be my sister. I love you, Elsie. You know that. Tell me.'_

_She looked at him, eyes glazed with a sadness that could never be spoken of. She reached out and patted his hand gently._

_'If Annie marries, and leaves my father's house, then I shall reconsider your proposal,' Elsie said gently, avoiding the subject she couldn't bear to touch upon. 'If I am unhappy with my place, then I will come back.'_

_'So even with your sister happy you might not leave service?' Joe shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. 'I've done this for so long…I'm not sure how much longer I can wait for you.'_

_'I promise you that I will think about it.' It was the best that she could offer. 'I am not likely to forget you, Joe. And I wish…I wish it had been simpler.'_

_She smiled at him, that welcome fluttering in her chest overcoming her as he smiled back. But as he took her hand in his, gently squeezing it, her heart began to pound within her chest. In her head she heard shouting, so loud that it blocked out the kind words she knew Joe was offering her. His grip seemed to tighten, even though she knew he would never…would he? The sound of a little girl screaming returned to her and everything went black._

'Mrs Hughes!'

She woke suddenly, taking several moments to adjust to her surroundings as her head slowly stopped spinning. She wondered why she had woken at all until she heard Mrs Patmore call her name again.

'Mrs Hughes? Tell me you didn't fall asleep working down here.'

Elsie straightened up in her desk chair and looked down at the accounts she had used as a pillow, vaguely remembering some point in the early hours where her head had simply become too heavy to keep upright.

'I…I must have nodded off, that's all,' she answered the cook, turning her chair to face her. Mrs Patmore was smiling, but she couldn't hide the concern in her eyes. This was the second time she had found the housekeeper in her office on a morning having entirely foregone sleep, or in this case almost entirely.

'Was there something you wanted?' asked Elsie, trying to ignore the pulsing headache that had started to emerge in her left temple.

'Breakfast is nearly ready and I hadn't seen you this morning, so I came looking.'

'Is it that time already?'

The clock confirmed her worries and she forced herself, with some stiffness still in her limbs, to stand.

'I have to go and change, Lady Grantham wanted to see me about the Servant's Ball preparations. We are so far behind this year; it may have to be pushed back a day or two.'

'And miss breakfast again?' Mrs Patmore asked with one eyebrow raised.

'I haven't time,' Elsie insisted.

'Or you don't want to sit next to him.'

Beryl caught Elsie's eye and caught a glimmer of recognition before the defensiveness set in.

'I do not know what you mean, Mrs Patmore,' she said with a straight face, despite it being one of many lies she had told in the past few days.

'Just talk to him, and you'll both be able to sort this mess out,' breathed Beryl in a quieter tone to avoid prying ears. Elsie passed beside her, making to leave before pausing a moment and turning back.

'There never was anything to mess up in the first place,' she sighed. 'Better that be the end of it.'

Xxx

Carson was walking upstairs when Mrs Patmore apprehended him, steering him into his pantry and shutting the door behind them. She turned, crossing her arms and staring at him as if waiting for him to speak. Mr Carson had no idea what he was expected to say.

'Well?' she barked.

'Well…what?' he answered, confused.

'Oh for god's sake,' Beryl rolled her eyes. Men. 'She slept on the ledgers last night, I just found her in her room. You have to talk to her.'

'About…' Carson asked vaguely, feigning innocence, although his mind was distracting him with images of Mrs Hughes leant over books until the early hours. How tired must she have been to simply lay her head across the pages? He couldn't deny it worried him, but what could he do when she wouldn't allow him to share the same room as her for more than a moment?

'Honestly, you're both as bad as each other,' Beryl scolded.

'I've tried, Mrs Patmore,' admitted Carson slowly, 'but she won't hear it. Every time I enter a room she leaves it, and I haven't had a chance to speak to her.'

'Make a chance, it's not an impossible feat! She's hurt, she has a right to be, but if you don't stop being so…so you and actually talk about what happened, then she's going to keep ignoring you and working herself into the ground to distract herself from her problems.'

Mrs Patmore was almost breathless after her little speech, and normally she would never speak so out of turn, but it needed to be said and had the desired effect. Carson nodded slowly, and the cook left him to his thoughts wondering if those two would ever just admit what they were feeling.

Xxx

Mrs Hughes felt as if her bones were creaking with the stairs as she returned to the servant's level after what seemed like the hundredth trip upstairs. It was already early afternoon, and the day seemed to be fading far too fast. She hadn't had a chance to finish the accounts, let alone the other ledgers due to all of the work being done for the ball in just one week's time. And then there were the New Year's Eve festivities to plan for two days' time as well as all the post-Christmas stocktakes.

She was walking towards her sitting room, hoping to catch a break from the maids and get some work done, when she saw Mr Carson coming the opposite way. She looked down instinctively, hoping he wasn't going to talk to her and knowing, of course, that he would try.

'Mrs Hughes, I was wondering if I might have a word,' he asked, his deep rumbling tones as harmless as ever yet still cutting deep.

'I'm awfully busy,' she tried to brush him off.

'It concerns the Servant's Ball,' Carson added, thinking on his feet. 'I wouldn't bother you but it is rather urgent.'

'Fine,' Else sighed heavily, 'fine. Shall we go into my sitting room?'

'I'll get us some tea first, you look rather tired Mrs Hughes.'

She was about to berate him, but found that she couldn't find the words or the energy; it simply wasn't worth it.

'Yes alright, tea would be nice.'

He passed her and headed for the kitchens, and Elsie managed to retreat to the only quiet room in the house for a moment to calm herself. She should have known that she couldn't avoid the butler forever; they had to work together, and they were the managers of the house. Walking over to her desk, she made a promise to herself to ensure it was kept entirely professional. Then maybe they could start to move on from this…whatever it was.

Her eyes wandered to the letter to the side of the accounting books, the latest version of one she had started and crumpled so many times in the last few days. Somehow she never managed to get past _Dearest Annie_. But she had said that she was going to leave, and she would. Once the letter to her sister was finally sent, she would have to pluck up the courage to tell Lord and Lady Grantham of her plans. Yet the words wouldn't write every time she tried, and the reason was about to walk through the door any minute.

Elsie felt her stomach churning, and realised that she hadn't eaten anything all day. Her head seemed terribly heavy, and she gripped the wood of the desk to steady herself and closed her eyes.

Xxx

'Remember…don't scare her off, don't let her send you away and don't say anything stupid!' Mrs Patmore whispered as she handed him the tea tray. He nodded, and mouthed a thank you before turning towards the sitting room. Somehow, he had managed to make himself nervous. How many times before had he shared a drink with her? And often in far less appropriate circumstances. Yet after their frostiness since Christmas, he felt like a naughty schoolboy heading for the headmistress' office.

With his hands full, he couldn't knock so he gently nudged open the door and announced himself.

'Sorry it took so long, I-'

It was just a feeling, something in his gut that told him something was wrong. The way she leaned on the desk it was as if it were the only thing keeping her upright. Carson put the tray down on a side table.

'Mrs Hughes, are you alright?'

Elsie hadn't heard him come through the door, but his words roused her back to life. She swallowed, trying to compose herself but her body felt as if it were not her own to control.

'I'm fine,' she tried, though it was so unconvincing that even she didn't believe it.

She went to turn towards him, but realised too late that she hadn't the balance to hold herself up. For a moment, everything seemed to flash white and her head pounded, becoming heavier and heavier. Her legs buckled beneath her. She fell. Everything went dark.


	6. Chapter 6

**A slightly faster update to thank everyone for their wonderful reviews. They won't all be this fast, given I have to go back to uni and I am away in London this week, but I will aim for at least a weekly update until I'm back studying in 2 weeks. **

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Charles reacted so quickly that it surprised even him. In that one moment, nothing else mattered but her and everything else just melted away. He wasn't quite sure how he reached her in time, but the universe seemed to be smiling on them as she fell neatly into his arms.

For a second he simply held her, his strength keeping her from falling to the floor although it didn't take much of an effort. Her eyes were closed at first, and Carson started to panic wondering if something more serious was going on; but after what seemed like forever she blinked, a subtle moan escaping her lips, and Carson let out a breath he didn't know he had been keeping in.

One arm was encircling her shoulders and the other supported her waist, but the thought of how inappropriate this would be in any other circumstance didn't even cross his mind. His only concern was her safety, her protection, and somewhere mixed into that the feeling of how wonderful it was to hold her in his arms.

Their eyes locked as Elsie started to realise the situation she was in, but she was lost for words. She looked up at him and it seemed like this was where she was supposed to be; but it wasn't quite that simple. She wished she could stay there forever, held from the floor like a dancer who had been dipped during a moonlight waltz.

Carson cleared his throat as he recovered himself, slowly lifting Mrs Hughes so that she could try to stand but still keeping a hold on her shoulders for support. At first her legs wavered, and she grabbed his arms as she feared she would fall again, but eventually she managed to balance herself and could stand alone; not that she wanted to.

'I…I'm so sorry Mr Carson,' she breathed, as words came back to her. 'I don't know what came over me. I..'

Elsie realised that she still felt a little dizzy, and was reassured by Carson's hand on her arm.

'I'm just tired.'

'I think you should sit down for a minute, catch your breath.'

She didn't protest, and allowed him to guide her to an armchair still holding her arm for support. That worried him more than anything; Mrs Hughes always protested at being fussed over, but she was unusually quiet.

He left her for a moment to bring her a cup of tea from the tray, which she accepted with a rather hollow smile. Carson sat across from her, fighting himself on what to say. He didn't want to insult her or make her uncomfortable, but at the same time he couldn't let this go by without saying something.

'Are you feeling any better?'

'A little,' Elsie answered, sipping her tea. The warmth helped her headache, but she still felt as if the world wouldn't quite stay still.

'Do you think we should call Doctor Clarkson?'

'No,' she insisted quickly, 'no, there really is no need. I just…let myself get overwhelmed, that's all. I didn't sleep too well last night.'

'I can't imagine the desk was very comfortable.'

Mrs Hughes felt her cheeks burn.

'Mrs Patmore told you about that?'

'She was worried about you.'

'Honestly, there's no need,' Elsie scoffed. 'I let the work get on top of me and…and I suppose I haven't taken very good care of myself. It's no-one's fault but my own.'

'I haven't been too much of a help, have I?' Carson asked, already knowing the answer.

'No, but I didn't give you the chance. I won't deny that I wasn't too happy after our conversation at Christmas, and I let it get in the way of my work; I'm sorry.'

'No,' Charles shook his head. 'No you have no need to apologise. You have every right to be angry with me. I shouldn't have said what I did, I know that now. I never wanted to upset you, I just…I didn't mean it to come out as it did. What I said and what I intended to say were two very different things.'

He let out a dry laugh. 'The thing is whenever I'm around you I can't quite find my words.'

'Thank you,' Elsie smiled, trying to hold back the tears of pure relief threatening to come forwards, 'but even so I shouldn't have ignored you these past few days. It was rather childish of me.'

'No harm done,' Carson said gently. 'I'm glad we are back on friendly terms.'

'Yes,' she muttered, taking another sip of tea and trying to ignore how much the use of the word _friendly_ made her heart sink.

'Are you sure you don't need the doctor? You still look rather pale, and you must have exhausted to faint like that.'

'I did not faint!' Mrs Hughes defended herself, but she was met with the raised eyebrow of a man she could never refuse. 'Oh alright, just a little, but it was more of a…a power nap.'

The expression on his face was priceless, and she found herself genuinely smiling for the first time in a long while. If this was all she was ever going to get, then perhaps she could learn to live with it. As long as he was there, at least, she could stay sane. Her face fell as she realised that if…when…she left, she might not see him again for months, if at all and the room seemed to grow a little darker.

'I think you should take rest of the day off,' Carson suggested, noticing how much of an effort it seemed for Mrs Hughes to simply stay awake.

'Don't be ridiculous,' she said, dismissing it at once, 'I haven't taken a day off in...I don't even know how long. Besides, I'm fine. I just need to take a moment, get something to eat, and make sure that I find my way to an actual bed tonight.'

'Mrs Hughes, no-one is going to judge you for talking a half day. Heaven knows you are more than entitled to it.'

'I know, but going to bed at three in the afternoon and missing work because I'm too tired would make me feel…well…old. And even if I am, I don't like to be reminded of it.'

'You could live to be a hundred and never be old,' Carson smiled, 'and you certainly don't look old to me.'

She smiled back at him, not caring a jot that his words weren't true and just happy he had said them.

'Well, if you are going to insist on staying awake then I'll go and scavenge some food from the kitchens; we need you back at full strength. I have to admit the household accounts are entirely beyond my mathematical expertise, but I can finish the ordering for New Year and the ball and go over the menu with Mrs Patmore this afternoon to make somewhat of a dent in the workload. I'll collect all of the receipts as they come in and get them to you.'

'You don't have to-'

'I want to,' he cut her off, standing to leave. 'You have a rest, finish your tea and I'll be back in a moment. There's something I'd like to discuss with you, properly this time.'

'Oh? Is it important?'

'Dreadfully,' he admitted with a small smile. 'I fear we should have talked about it a very long time ago.'

'I see,' Mrs Hughes nodded, not quite catching his meaning as she felt too drained to search for the true inferences of his words. 'When you get back then?'

As he passed her, he fought the urge to brush against her just to make contact. Her hand had been resting on the arm of the chair, and it had felt like a physical challenge resisting the temptation to take it in his own and tell her everything was going to be alright.

Carson went into the kitchen and had Mrs Patmore put together some sandwiches on a plate, but when he brought them back to Mrs Hughes her eyes were closed. At first, he felt his heart stop and he worried she had passed out again. But as he watched the steady rise and fall of her chest, he realised that she had simply fallen asleep in the chair and he felt warmth spread within his chest.

He placed the food on her desk, and went to his pantry for a blanket which he draped over her sleeping form. Before he left, he dared to take her hand just for a moment.

'Don't ever do that to me again,' he whispered, stroking her soft skin with his thumb. 'I have never been so scared in all my life. What would I do without you?'

Seeing her fall limp in his arms had struck a chord so deeply that he still felt its reverberations now. He had dallied to long on the fence, only ever considering taking things where he wanted to go and always backing out. If she left, then he knew that he wouldn't be happy at Downton without her. It had taken him this long to accept what he felt, but he only hoped it wasn't too late.

Xxx

'You are both just…just ridiculous, do you know that?' exclaimed Mrs Patmore as she finished laying the food out in the Servant's Hall. Everyone was gathered for the celebration of the New Year, and the family were all set upstairs so they could enjoy their party in peace.

'We had a talk, and we are back on good terms,' Mrs Hughes explained for what felt like the hundredth time. 'Can't you just be grateful of that for now?'

'Not when it's so obviously not what either of you want.'

'Shh,' Elsie hissed, worried others would hear them. 'I…I don't know what you think you see that we don't, Mrs Patmore, but you're wrong. We are friends, and we shall continue to be for the rest of our days. I think, perhaps, there may have been a time when things could have been different; but we're too old. It's too late.'

'So you're really going to leave then?' asked Beryl, crossing her arms over her chest.

'Yes,' sighed Elsie, feeling the words lying heavy on her heart.

'And I assume, given you decided this over a week ago, that you've set things in motion? Spoken to Lord Grantham at the very least, and told your sister you're coming?'

'I…' but she had no answer. She couldn't bring herself to do it, and had been putting it off every evening until the next day when she repeated the endless cycle. 'I have decided to wait until after the Servant's Ball to speak to his lordship and I will be informing my sister.'

'But you haven't yet?'

'No, I-'

'And why not?' Beryl interrupted her harshly. 'Because you don't want to go. And why is that, do you think? The same reason you've been looking at that door every ten seconds for the past half an hour. Because of him.'

Elsie looked down at the glass of wine in her hands, feeling tears pooling in her eyes. She couldn't even find the words to deny it. Mr Carson had not yet come to the party, and she had been watching the door; she hadn't realised she had been so obvious. She wanted to tell Beryl that he didn't feel for her what she did for him, but she knew it would do no good. The cook saw two halves of a picture that didn't quite fit together.

'He's the reason I have to go,' she said solemnly, admitting it as much to herself as her dear friend.

'Oh Elsie.' Beryl offered a sad smile and took her hand in reassurance. 'He doesn't deserve you anyway.'

'Come on everyone, it's time,' Anna called, and they all gathered around the clock on the mantelpiece. Elsie hung back, waiting at the back of the crowd for the chimes to pull her into another year of being alone. At least she would see her sister again; that was the only thing keeping her going, through a sea of blackness so thick it was a struggle just to put one foot in front of the other and bear to wake up in the morning.

Next year perhaps she and Annie would watch the clock chime together, with the children around them and a glass of sherry in front of a warm fire. It was a fine picture, something some people could only dream of; but it wasn't what Elsie wanted.

**'Ten' **

They started counting, and Elsie couldn't keep a tear from rolling down her cheek. She didn't see why anyone should celebrate the cruel passing of time; it just meant another year closer to the end.

**'Nine…eight…' **

She felt someone slip a hand into her own, interlocking her fingers with theirs. Her heart thundered in her chest and she looked up to see the only person she could ever want it to be.

**'Seven'**

Wordlessly he pulled her arm gently and without a second thought she followed him into his pantry.

'**Six…five…'**

She gasped, looking around the darkened room lit by the light of a hundred candles.

'**Four…three…'**

Looking up at him, she asked without speaking whether this was what she thought and his smile had all of the answers she needed. Carson moved towards her, until they were mere inches apart.

'**Two'**

He put one hand gently on her hip, as if asking her permission, and when she put her arms around his neck he knew that there was no going back. This was it. He leaned in close, until he could feel the warmth of her breath tingle against his mouth.

**'One'**

Their lips met, ever so softly, as the cheers of 'Happy New Year' rang from the Servant's Hall. But they couldn't hear anyone else. They were lost in their own little world, a perfect moment not to be spoiled by anyone or anything.

The kiss was long, slow, so filled with emotion and longing that it was as if sparks were flying between them. They had waited so long and wanted it so much that neither wanted to be the first to pull away. When they did finally part, Charles rested his forehead on hers as she lowered her hands to his chest where she could feel the pounding of his heart.

'Is this real?' whispered Elsie, heart voice shuddering with emotion. 'Am I going to wake up tomorrow and realise I'm still alone?'

Noticing the shimmer at her throat in the candlelight, her took a single finger and traced the chain on her neck; it sent shivers down her spine. He took the small silver heart from beneath her dress and held it in his palm.

'You have my heart,' Carson breathed, 'you don't ever have to be alone again. But I have to ask you…'

'Yes?'

'Will you stay?'

Elsie smiled, covering the heart and his palm with her own hand.

'I can't run off with your heart now, can I?'

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**Such a happy ending...shame it doesn't end there...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry again for the delay. I've had exam results this week and been packing to go back to uni. This chapter was meant to be longer but I thought I'd upload it as is and finish the result of this part at a later date to give you something at least. Heading up to uni tomorrow so I'm not sure when I can update next but I will try not to leave it too long. I know where the story is heading, so it's just a case of finding time to do it justice.**

**So much thanks to everyone reading, and reviews are always so much appreciated. Looking at a difficult 7 weeks ahead, but I am using this story as a way to let off a bit of steam so hopefully I can do that well.**

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The sounds of the party going on in the servant's hall might as well have been a million miles away. Charles Carson was standing in his pantry, silent and completely still, with the faint scent of burning candles wafting in the midnight air and the woman he loved enveloped by his embrace.

He could finally admit it now, if only to himself. There was no other way to describe this feeling. When he had known Alice he had liked her, hoped to court and marry her, but it had never felt like this. His heart ached when he thought of her, and his words became jumbled in his head when he tried to speak. Carson never admitted to feeling such human emotions as fear, but when she wasn't there he felt scared; that he had lost her, that she wouldn't want him, that he wasn't there to protect her from the evils of the world…As soon as she left a room he felt as if a part of him went with her, his heart which she wore around her neck.

Elsie's head was nestled against his chest, her slim figure fitting perfectly beneath his arms as he held her – they fit together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, as if they were always meant to be standing there together. It was hard to believe that this was actually happening, for both of them.

'Elsie I…I don't want to leave you-'

'But they need you upstairs,' she smiled, lifting her head to meet his gaze, 'I know.'

'What have I ever done to deserve you?'

She hesitated, debating within herself whether or not to ask what she desperately wanted to know and dreading his answer would not be what she hoped for.

'What is it?' asked Carson, sensing a shift in her mood.

'What does this _mean_?' Elsie whispered, subconsciously biting her lip. He knew at once what she was asking and moved a hand to gently cup her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

'I know that we need to talk about it,' he started slowly, knowing that one false move here could undo everything he had worked so hard for, 'but I don't want it rushed. I doubt we'll get another moment alone until the ball.'

Elsie's heart sank slightly, and he registered it at once. Carson leant forward and kissed her, trying to convey what he meant through the gentle touch of his lips.

'For now…for me…it means that I am happy,' he said as he reluctantly pulled away from the sweetness of their kiss. 'Make no mistake, Mrs Hughes, I am not done with you yet.'

She stifled a giggle, a blush rising in her cheeks making her feel young again.

'Alright then, Mr Carson,' she answered him teasingly, 'after the ball. And for the record, I'm quite happy myself.'

'I wish we could throw caution to the wind, run off together in the middle of the night,' Charles sighed.

'We are too old for careless romanticism,' Elsie nodded, with a flicker of regret.

'I prefer to call us practical.'

They smiled, unable to take their eyes off each other as if they had been married for years. When he could delay it no more, Carson took Elsie's hand and kissed it, squeezing gently in reassurance before finally letting go and walking away. He looked back as he opened the door, hardly able to believe she was standing before him as…whatever she was, there wasn't quite a word for it. But she was his; that he knew, and that was all he needed.

As he started upstairs, he felt as if he were walking on air. He didn't deserve her, not after everything he had done, but for some reason she had kissed him back, she had wanted him. And he was going to do everything he could to live up to that honour.

Elsie was left in his pantry, feeling utterly dizzy with excitement. Her heart was pounding, racing at a hundred miles an hour; it had happened. She knew that this was only the beginning; was he going to ask her to marry him? No, no surely not, they had only just kissed for the first time. There had been no mention of love, nor commitment, and that's what she wanted to hear from him most of all…but hadn't they known each other for years now? Had they not, really, been together for such a very long time; even if not in the romantic sense until now? And Charles had been raised in the same era as she had, where something as physical and personal as a kiss was reserved for the final stages of a courting relationship.

Whatever this meant, she could wait. For now, she was just happy that there was a beginning. Wherever they ended up it was far better than the life she had envisaged for herself as an old housekeeper, or a spinster aunt who was always there but never wanted. Elsie sat down in the chair, her head light as the kiss played over again in her mind. A shiver of pleasure ran down her spine – she had never felt such affection.

But then a darker memory tried to invade her mind. A scream rang in her ears, one she recognised all too well. She flinched and bit her lip so hard that she tasted the all too familiar metallic tang of blood in her mouth. It took all of her strength to push it away, but nothing was going to ruin tonight…**he** wasn't going to taint the best night of her life. Yet somehow she knew that no matter how hard she fought he was never truly gone.

Xxx

Having collected her thoughts and blown out the candles, Elsie finally emerged from the pantry with a smile on her face. Carson and Thomas had gone upstairs to start clearing the vacated rooms but the rest of the staff were still in the servant's hall. As she walked down the corridor towards the noise and the music, Anna turned the corner looking very distressed and came up to her.

'Anna? What's the matter?'

'Is it true?' the lady's maid whispered.

'Is what true?' asked Mrs Hughes, truly lost at the younger woman's alarm.

'That you're leaving?'

Before she could answer, Mrs Patmore came up to them clearly out of breath in trying to catch up to Anna.

'I'm sorry,' she shook her head, 'I didn't mean to…it just-'

'Anna,' Elsie cut her off, 'I don't know where Mrs Patmore has been getting her information from, but I have no plans to leave Downton.'

'Really?' Beryl exclaimed, her brow furrowing with confusion.

'You must have misunderstood me. I am going to ask Lady Grantham for a few days off to visit my sister, but that's all.'

'So you're not leaving?' Anna repeated, just to be certain.

'No,' Elsie confirmed with a small smile, touching the necklace resting against her chest. 'I have everything I need right here.'

Beryl took a moment, but as it dawned on her when she saw the sparkle in the housekeeper's eye and her mouth fell open in shock. Elsie raised her eyebrows subtly, asking her to keep her tongue, though she couldn't herself manage to remove the telling smile from her face.

'Good,' Anna breathed, missing the silent conversation going on between the other two, 'because there is something I want to ask you.'

She took a deep breath, tears forming in her eyes and for a moment Elsie was worried that something was wrong.

'You have done so much for me, and John, over the past few years and we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you,' she started, her voice breaking slightly with emotion. 'So I was wondering if you would do us the honour, of being our child's godmother.'

Elsie was speechless. She felt emotion swell in her chest, filling her so completely that the words simply wouldn't come. Clearing her throat, she held back the tears of joy and managed to find her voice.

'I…I don't know what to say…'

'Say yes!' Anna smiled.

'Y-yes, yes of course I would love to. I…thank you.'

'No, thank you. You have been more of a mother to me than my own ever cared to be. I can't think of anyone else I would have watching over my child.'

Mrs Hughes pulled Anna gently into an embrace, trying to convey how much this honour meant to her as she felt that if she spoke the words she would break down into tears. Somehow, in the space of half an hour, she had gained a family, and one that was entirely her own. A small part of her mind dared to dream of a little cottage in the village, with ivy weaved within a trellis around the doorway and a bed of neatly kept roses on the front lawn. There was a birdhouse and a wooden bench in the back garden, small but quaint. Elsie saw herself sitting on a picnic blanket laid out on the grass, the baby on her lap giggling as she talked to Anna about nothing in particular and waited for her husband to bring out the sandwiches…

Reality snapped back so suddenly it almost hurt, but that dream was still there in the back of her mind and she knew however ridiculous and far away it seemed that she had become devoted to it nonetheless. Elsie knew that to become attached to such a perfect ending when they had only just begun was a sure way to have her heart broken, but she couldn't help it. It was a risk she would have to take.

'I thought you weren't ready to tell anyone yet?' Elsie remembered as she finally released Anna.

'We couldn't help ourselves,' she grinned, 'we were just too excited. I wanted you to know first so I could ask you, but then it sort of slipped out before I had the chance to do it properly and Mrs Patmore said you were leaving…It was all a bit of a disaster.'

'I'm just glad that you are happy, you deserve it…both of you do.'

'Thank you so much, Mrs Hughes. I hope you won't think me rude, but Mr Bates and I are going to sneak out of the party and head back to the cottage; otherwise I don't think I'll have the energy to get up in the morning.'

'Of course not,' the older woman scoffed, 'you get off to bed. And anything you need, you just have to ask.'

Anna smiled in reply, her eyes soft with tiredness, and turned to meet John by the door leaving Mrs Patmore and Mrs Hughes alone.

'Tell me everything,' Beryl whispered as soon as Anna was out of earshot.

'I don't know what you mean,' Elsie answered, unable to keep an entirely straight face.

'Oh don't be like that! Unless you lied to that girl, which I sincerely doubt over something so important, you were planning on leaving half an hour ago and now suddenly you aren't. Something happened.'

'I was not lying, I have every intention of staying at Downton for as long as I need to, because…' started Elsie diplomatically, but she could keep it to herself no longer. The smile spread almost subconsciously across her face, as if she had no control over her muscles and happiness had taken charge.

'I knew it!' the cook exclaimed, trying and failing to keep her excitement contained.

'Shh, do you want to announce it to the entire household?'

'What is it then, what happened? Did he propose? Oh my God he did, didn't he?'

'No, Mrs Patmore, calm yourself he didn't propose.'

Beryl looked a little dejected, but tried again just as eagerly.

'A declaration, then? Of his love for you?'

'No…' sighed Elsie, cursing her friend for dampening her happy mood. 'I don't know how he feels exactly, it all happened rather quickly. There wasn't much time for talking.'

'Well, Mrs Hughes!' the cook exclaimed, a naughty grin across her face.

'Don't you start getting any ideas, it was just a kiss.'

Elsie watched Beryl's eyes widen and felt that rush of happiness overtake her again at the memory of it.

'He…you…' she stuttered.

'Twice,' Elsie whispered. She felt like a young maid again, giggling over boys in the corridors of the house.

'Mr Carson? Really? I can't...can't quite get my head around it.'

'At midnight,' she told the cook. 'There were candles.'

'Oh Elsie, that's as good of a proposal as any. He might not have said the words, but he would never make such a gesture without honourable intentions.'

'Do you think so?'

'You'll have a ring on your finger by the end of the month, I'd bet on it.'

Elsie had hardly allowed herself to think about a proposal, but her heart began to flutter as she imagined him bending his knee and producing a red velvet box. She had hoped they would get married eventually, but she hadn't had much time to think about it beyond a flash of a dream in the back of her mind. The thought that this could be happening, really happening, and soon was almost too much for her to handle.

'You alright?' asked Beryl.

'Fine, thank you,' Elsie breathed, 'just…before it was a kiss, with possibilities certainly but still just that. I accepted a long time ago that I would never have a husband; I'd live out my life on my own, one way or another. I…I've loved him for so long, and I didn't even know it. And this is it. It's happening.'

'And how do you feel?'

There was a pause as Elsie asked herself that question – after going through a rollercoaster of emotions, how did she feel?

'Wonderful,' she smiled, tears of happiness glistening in her eyes. 'Absolutely wonderful.'

Xxx

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**See I kept it happy, for now, we'll just have to see how long this lasts :) Thanks for reading all reviews are so welcome.**


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